The Official MonkeyFAQ

Maintained by Dr. John Kasab, offical MonkeyArchivist

1. What is a FAQ?

A Frequently Asked (or Answered) Question. For example, at the Information Desk for most any museum, the number-one FAQ is "Is this the Information Desk?"

2. No, really. . .

It's a list of answers to questions that have been raised so frequently that even the hint of them will cause the spleens of long-time list members to vent all over you and your mail spool. Kindly old-timers might instead tell you to read the FAQ rather than clutter the list with your question. This rarely helps, though, since the clueless often ask the FAQ before reading the FAQ, and then other people answer it on the list while others are telling the original poster to read the FAQ, all of which generates considerably more list traffic than it ought to.

3. Why Monkeys?

Because the Ass-Pie-Fan List doesn't have the same ring to it. Also, Monkeys inspire cooler logos.

4. How do I get to be a Secret Fan of the Monkey?

*****************************************************
***ANSWER NOT DECLASSIFIED FOR ONLINE DISTRIBUTION***
*****************************************************

5. Doesn't a FAQ usually cover the obscure abbreviations that are commonly used on the list?

Yes, usually it does, but we don't use obscure abbreviations, we use obscure whole threads of conversation. Get used to it.

6. Someone just phoned with a really good-sounding calling plan, but the company is based in some obscure European monarchy. What should I do?

Unless you have a hotline to Reed Richards, I recommend accepting their offer. With enough subscribers, they may eventually afford to get a better hold theme than that creepy version of "Girl from Ipanema".

7. What is the deal with that watermelon?

I'll tell you later.

8. If I'm a Dark Lord of the Seth, do I really have to wear this dorky red costume?

No. The red costume is out of fashion this season, and has been replaced by a black and tan combination.

9. Did you know that the Swedish guy who dubs the Joker on the Batman cartoon also dubs Foghorn Leghorn (and other Warner Brothers characters)?

I do now, but it's still freaky.

10. What is the best quote we've got to date?

"Into the tub, monkey-boy!" It has also been nominated for The Official Monkeyfan Toasting Call (tm). At a distant second is "These are not Day-Glo monkeys.''

11. What is the Official Motto of Monkeyfan University (tm)?

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Anything said in Latin automatically sounds profound.)

12. What are some other official sayings of the Monkey Cult?

"Keep those fucking girl scouts away from me."

"What the hell do YOU think you're lookin' at, loser?"

The Official Monkeyfan Drinking Cry (tm), "El Vago!"

And the Official Monkeyfan Farewell (tm), "Good luck, and beware the sounds of dueling banjos."

"Monkeyfan: Sleep when you die; die when you sleep."

13. What are Swedo-Monkeys?

They understand the difference between Kalle Anka and Kalles Kaviar. Don't mess with them!

14. What is the Internet Law of Grammar Flames?

It says that any post flaming someone for an error in spelling or grammar will invariably contain the same. This is unrelated to Gibson's Rule, which states that any debate degenerates into mindless name-calling once Nazis have been invoked, unless, of course, someone deliberately introduces Nazis into the thread in a vain attempt to activate Gibson's Rule.

15. What is the Official Fighting Style (tm) of Monkeyfan U.?

Monkey boxing, of course. Duh! All unsolvable disputes will be decided upon by ritual Monkey Boxing until there is one clear victor!

16. Why 100 commandments?

Because we're 10 times better than Christianity.

17. Why does the Grand Monkeyfan wear leopard-print Speedos to work, every day?

Because the automatic thermostat sometimes switches over to Extermination Mode and he requires that last refuge of fashion.

18. What kind of big geek would attach footnotes to an address change announcement?

The same kind that would provide instructions on how to use a Swedish bathroom to house guests.

19. Can one fuck with Mister Zero?

Perhaps one can, but one will not survive for long.

23. If push comes to shove, will he side with a clone of Leonard Maltin against the zombie Siskel?

God, I hope so. Otherwise, we'll have to send the Pope Nghinjas after him.

24. If he's a Nobel prize-winning skateboarding werewolf on the wrong side of the law, and she's a mistrustful nymphomaniac safe-cracker who believe's she's the reincarnation of a Mayan queen, what do they do?

They fight crime!

25. What is the Official Monkeygift(tm)?

A candy-coated crowbar. "An appropriate gift for any occasion . . . tasty and revolution-ready!" (SJ)

26. Does the Ford Focus Family have torpedos on staff?

No, they hire freelancers.

27. Who was unaware of the LotR: Fellowship of the Ring movie?

Only animals and top politicians, as of 14 December 2001. Maybe by now, the buzz has spread through the animal cliques.

28. What are the Tenets of the Monkey?

Tenet #1: The Monkey is to be tolerated, not understood.
Tenet #2: To understand the Monkey is to misunderstand oneself.
Tenet #3: The wisdom of the Monkey always comes in groups of three.

Tenet #4: You can get what you want and still not be happy.
Tenet #5: You must master your rage, lest rage become your master.
Tenet #6: Questions are a burden to others. Information is a burden to oneself.

Tenet #7: Never charge more than they can afford.
Tenet #8: Never extend lines of credit.
Tenet #9: Never fear padding out a concept to spare a good gag.

29. Who is the antiJon?

He is the Mirror, Mirror Jon, he with glasses and shorter stature, he who is wrong with the world; famine, pestilence, 24-hour clocks, confusing instructions, condiments, rationalizations, and overpopulation. He is many things, but not the FAQ maintainer, as we probably would have annihilated each other in a massive exchange of energy by now.

30. What the fuck is a problem food?

No clue, but Beano claims it can help.

31. How long is the FAQ, normally?

Lagom long.