4:13 PM
Emoticons.

Have I ever told you how much I hate them? I mean, really hate them? It's bad enough that people don't capitalize or use proper punctuation online; now they don't even have to clearly convey their emotions using words?

"But Seth," you're saying, "what if I say something that's a joke, but it may not be clear that I'm joking? I have to put a little smiley face at the end so people know I don't mean it." I have two responses to that. The first is: just tell them you're kidding. Follow up "Last night you were wearing the ugliest shirt I've ever seen" with "But of course I'm just kidding." The second is to relate the only words the ever-annoying Charles Grodin spoke to which I attribute any value whatsoever:"How much you hate someone is in direct proportion to the number of times you tell them, 'Just kidding.' "

That may be a strange train of thought to be ridden by someone whose default mode is often joking around. But as far as I know, I don't joke about things I know are personal to people, and when I do I feel badly and often apologize--which in turn has led to some of the most interesting conversations I've ever had (such as conversations with my vegetarian friends about their decision and culinary lifestyle.) Just don't toss out your bon mots like they don't have any impact and you can just yank 'em back, that's all I'm asking.

I digress.

Emoticons. The only thing worse than Internet acronyms. Maybe it's the writer in me speaking, but if you have something to say, say it. Yes, you do save precious seconds typing AFAIK rather than "As far as I know," but what are you doing with that time? Come back when you're working on a cure for cancer or an extremely clever device.

If you're not certain that your email--or anything you write for that matter--will have the proper emotional impact, I have two words that will guide you: PROOFREAD and REVISE*. If we can back again to saving time, the time saved in email is not the time saved in writing it--writing email should take just as long as a letter or anything else you might undertake. The time saved by this Wonder of Our Modern World is delivery time--it takes just as long to write the letter/email, but it is delivered instantaneously.

(People mourn the loss of the postal system of Victorian London, when mail was picked up and delivered as often as seven times a day. They should get on email; I've exchanged as many as three dozen messages in a single day with a single correspondant. Should have kept up with the Engine instead of continuing to build away at the postal service, Babbage. Our hindsight-empowered futureworld mocks you.)

I'm running out of steam, which tends to be a sign of imminent rambling. So in closing, let me sum up:

BAD: emoticons, random abbreviations
GOOD: proofreading, revision
EXCELLENT:The new Spider-Man trailer.

As might be obvious, I'd have to be debated on the merits and flaws of clear-but-colloquial use of language. But that's for another time. Have a good weekend, all.


* Okay, this link isn't entirely pertinent. I just think the picture of the old lady is oddly amusing.